


Missing Parts

by angelboygabriel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Oneshot, Parental Levi Ackerman, married eruri, s2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 08:20:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30035778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelboygabriel/pseuds/angelboygabriel
Summary: Levi never realized how badly he was grieving over something he could never have until he started to lead those kids, and the ghosts of the daughters he would never raise started to haunt him.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	Missing Parts

**Author's Note:**

> levi secretly being one of the most emotional characters. i felt that and had a breakdown

He started to see them a lot more, now that the Scouts were truly coming into their own. Two little girls, joyful and carefree. Levi knew they were his daughters.

Their eldest took after Erwin in all the best ways, with his looks, kindness and intelligence. And their youngest was Levi’s carbon copy, soft black hair and calculated but well-meaning stoicness. Their sweet Rose and Hana.

Only when Erwin wasn’t around would Levi let himself watch their ghosts and allow the loss of a future family seize him so tightly that sometimes it felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

* * *

“You wanted to be a parent, didn’t you,” Erwin says curiously one day after Levi’s finished up running drills with the ki- the Scouts. Levi’s gaze shoots up at him in stricken shock, and even Hange looks up in surprise from the book they’re reading.

A familiar, shameful pain bubbles up in Levi’s chest, and anger too begins to rise at Erwin bringing this topic up in front of Hange.

“The hell are you talking about?” he spits back, and Hange has the decency to turn away in embarrassment as Erwin realizes the significance of his words. Erwin opens his mouth again, but Hange stands up and sharply closes their book as they head for the door.

“Excuse me. I need to go speak to Jean and Sasha about something,” they lie poorly, but Levi is secretly grateful for their dismissal as his face burns and he stares down at his lap. The door shuts behind Hange, and Levi is left alone with Erwin.

“I shouldn’t have said that in front of Hange. I’m sorry.”

Levi shakes his head. “You didn’t know it was a... sensitive topic to that degree.”

Levi doesn’t lift his eyes, instead listening as Erwin’s chair screeches backwards, and Erwin’s confident footfalls walk him front of Levi on the couch. Erwin’s hand touches the bottom of his chin gently and lifts his face to meet Erwin’s steady gaze.

“You never mentioned that it bothered you before,” Erwin says, and the necklace holding Levi’s wedding ring suddenly feels very heavy against his chest.

They had been married for a while- 15 years- and had married young, too, shortly after Levi had turned 21 and Erwin had really started climbing up the ranks. Very few people knew, of course, as they had been told to keep their relationship as professional as possible in public due to their positions. But of course some people knew, like Hange, and all of Levi’s first squad, the former and latter both having attended their small civil ceremony.

However, for all their time together, every time Erwin would bring up the topic of kids, Levi would change the subject and avoid discussing it like the plague. Erwin never questioned it, and eventually stopped mentioning it. But... it’d been on his mind lately. He wanted to ask Levi seriously about it, but the fractured, hurt part of him deep down knew it just wasn’t something they could ever do.

Raising children as a commander and captain... there was no way they could put children through that, knowing full well the risk of death that hung over their heads with their every move.

Levi shakes his head, and Erwin takes a seat next to him. They tangle their fingers together, Erwin’s much larger hand covering his securely. “You know I’m not good at talking about that kind of thing,” he replies lowly. Erwin’s thumb rubs over his knuckles, and Levi’s body sags.

“I know,” Erwin responds teasingly. “But you know it doesn’t bother me. I’m always here for anything you do or don’t want to talk about. The good, the bad. All of it.”

A bitter smile pulls at Levi’s mouth. Erwin sounds like his wedding vows, sometimes. That unwavering loyalty Levi had dedicated his heart to.

They sit quietly for a moment as Levi gathers this thoughts.

“I chose death instead of life,” Levi says ruefully. “ _Death_ follows me around like a spectre. I would be a horrible father regardless. If I can’t even protect the Scouts, how could I protect my own children?”

A deep frown etches across Erwin’s face, and he turns to face Levi fully as his other hand comes to rest on top of Levi’s. “Death does not haunt you the way you think it does. I can only think about the countless lives you’ve saved. And... that’s not a fair comparison to make. The Scouts know their duties, and do things we wouldn’t let our children do. You are the squad’s leader, not their parent.”

Erwin is right, of course, but Levi can’t help but think of the kids he’s closest to- and they really are still kids. Connie, Sasha. Mikasa. The guilt of letting them throw their innocence and lives away to the Titans eats at him. Some of the Scouts have had their lives torn from them, crushed beneath a cruel world they didn’t ask for. They don’t have parents to lean on, like him when he was younger. He just wants to be that for someone.

* * *

Erwin’s heartbeat is warm and reassuring beneath the skin of his bare chest under Levi’s cheek. One of Erwin’s hands cards tiredly through Levi’s hair, and Levi watches as the sun sets out the window. Their quarters in Stohess had been pretty nice.

“I never really answered your question from the other day,” Levi whispers, and Erwin’s hand pauses before continuing its soothing movement.

“I wanted... to be a father,” Levi admits, and feels tears prick at his eyes.

Erwin sits up, and the bedsheets pool at his lap as Levi brusquely wipes at his eyes. He lets himself be folded into Erwin’s strong embrace, and for once, lets himself cry.

He clings to Erwin, grateful beyond measure for the only person he feels like he can really show his true colors to. Erwin never shies from his violence, his anger, his coldness. And Levi never shrinks away from Erwin’s guilt, his selfishness, or his burdens.

In the corner sits their darling girls.

Erwin begins to cry too, and they sit there in that creaky bed, mourning a future they can never have. 


End file.
